World Ends on Friday

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by nkronos on May 25, 2011

This is the Year of Living Embarrassingly. Just ask Charlie Sheen.

From Bin Laden’s blue (and I don’t mean ray) movie collection to Arnold’s revelation that, despite immigrating to the US more than 40 years ago, he has maintained European mores regarding domestic retainers, the famous are wallowing in public scandal. Unlike IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold at least had a consensual misadventure with his housekeeper.

As the males elevate the scandal sweepstakes, the perennially embarrassed Lindsay Lohan may yet be able to rehabilitate her image. Drew Barrymore’s example proved more than 10 years ago that F. Scott Fitzgerald was as mistaken as Harold Camping when he proclaimed, “There are no second acts in American lives.” Given the right role (and a cosmetic surgery or two), Lohan can rebound in Scream 6: Laryngitis Kills.

Speaking of California seer Camping, he in fact wants a third act, as he has now twice staked everything on prophecy and then missed the date. He offers the following interview to the Kronosphere in hopes of procuring yet another curtain call. [click to continue…]

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Big Bad Newt

Big Newt

by nkronos on May 19, 2011

(Sung to the tune of Jimmy Dean’s “Big John”)

Ev’ry day on the set you could see him arrive
He stood six foot tall and weighed 285
Kinda broad in his jowls and as wide at the brow
Everybody knew he favored the chow, Big Newt

Literati said he charged too much to his card
But life with third-wife Calista was steely and hard
So one pudgy wave from his be-diamonded hand
Dimmed all the glitter of an enraged gay man, Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

A firefight started when they sensed he was weak
Timidly at first, mostly shooting some sheep
The cocktail party invite list unloaded their clip
But Newt responded, blabbing straight from the hip, Big Newt

Out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets
Walked a Lego of a man, a Weeble with feet,
Squeezed tight in his clothing, he gave out a groan
Ragin’ ‘gin social engineering, he stood there alone, Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

Now the left’s exposed by their bylines and handles
Naked to the light of Newt’s mighty green candle
This is the way it always seemed to work
Big Newt smacking down the insider jerks, Big Newt

But when hot prose and gas belched out of the man
Everybody knew Newt had made his last stand
Crazed words like Howard Dean’s drunk-cowboy scream–
We all knew it was the end of the dream for Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

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Harmon Killebrew: pre-steroid slugger

May 18, 2011
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Harmon Killebrew has died, and one item that strikes me in his obituary is how far he has slipped down baseball’s all-time homerun list: number 11. I don’t remember Killebrew’s actual playing days, as they were before my time, but my friends and I used to have a “Hall of Fame” statistics-based league we ran […]

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Shaking the Sheik

May 14, 2011
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It’s no great surprise that commandos who killed Osama Bin Laden report the dead terrorist had a considerable stash of pornography at his compound. Recall that some of the September 11 hijackers spent one of their last nights receiving lap dances at the Pink Pony strip club. And lemon-sucking-faced Mohammed Atta evidenced in his last […]

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No fool like a Noam fool

May 8, 2011
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It would be tempting to call 82-year-old Noam Chomsky a senile old dolt, but the word “senile” connotes an age-related deterioration of one’s faculties. To deteriorate, however, a mind must have at one time shown superior cognitive abilities. Although in fairness Chomsky’s work in linguistics indicates a specialized if arcane brilliance, his political thinking has […]

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John Mellencamp’s criminal bandmate

May 6, 2011
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I was never really a fan of John (Cougar) Mellencamp, even when he first became popular and before he became way politically left. To me his music is bland and just not interesting–someone I will change the dial when it plays on the radio, without necessarily hating it. He used to be compared with Springsteen, […]

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“Thanks for dying, Osama”–Obama

May 6, 2011
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During the eight years of the Bush presidency, Republicans welcomed the return of executive power…and then some. Democrats, on the other hand, were rueful and chafed each time President Bush would make a remark about how much easier it would be to govern in a dictatorship. True conservatives warned that the unfettered, unilateral executive would […]

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Have we won yet?

May 3, 2011
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Osama Bin Laden is dead. Did he even matter anymore, and more importantly, where do we–the United States–go from here? That is. can we declare victory in the War on Terror, or is terrorism, like the poor, something we will now have with us always?

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Obama the prick-ly

April 29, 2011
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As events continue to head south for the Obama presidency, the dilettante-in-chief reveals more and more frequently that the bemused and ingratiating smile of the campaign–so much in contrast to Hillary Clinton’s frozen-faced seriousness–masked a petulant and angry egoist. Perhaps the first whiff of the Big 0’s ego problem occurred when he lamented all that […]

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Eat. Pray. Ugh.

April 14, 2011
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As noted previously on this blog, it is necessary to give Thomas Friedman some credit for his ability to provide other writers with such ample lampoon-worthy content: never have so many owed so much to so little. In contrast to Waylon Jennings–who used to sing about something called the Wurlitzer Prize in his mournful hit […]

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