by nkronos on May 25, 2011
This is the Year of Living Embarrassingly. Just ask Charlie Sheen.
From Bin Laden’s blue (and I don’t mean ray) movie collection to Arnold’s revelation that, despite immigrating to the US more than 40 years ago, he has maintained European mores regarding domestic retainers, the famous are wallowing in public scandal. Unlike IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold at least had a consensual misadventure with his housekeeper.
As the males elevate the scandal sweepstakes, the perennially embarrassed Lindsay Lohan may yet be able to rehabilitate her image. Drew Barrymore’s example proved more than 10 years ago that F. Scott Fitzgerald was as mistaken as Harold Camping when he proclaimed, “There are no second acts in American lives.” Given the right role (and a cosmetic surgery or two), Lohan can rebound in Scream 6: Laryngitis Kills.
Speaking of California seer Camping, he in fact wants a third act, as he has now twice staked everything on prophecy and then missed the date. He offers the following interview to the Kronosphere in hopes of procuring yet another curtain call. [click to continue…]
by nkronos on May 19, 2011
(Sung to the tune of Jimmy Dean’s “Big John”)
Ev’ry day on the set you could see him arrive
He stood six foot tall and weighed 285
Kinda broad in his jowls and as wide at the brow
Everybody knew he favored the chow, Big Newt
Literati said he charged too much to his card
But life with third-wife Calista was steely and hard
So one pudgy wave from his be-diamonded hand
Dimmed all the glitter of an enraged gay man, Big Newt
Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt
A firefight started when they sensed he was weak
Timidly at first, mostly shooting some sheep
The cocktail party invite list unloaded their clip
But Newt responded, blabbing straight from the hip, Big Newt
Out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets
Walked a Lego of a man, a Weeble with feet,
Squeezed tight in his clothing, he gave out a groan
Ragin’ ‘gin social engineering, he stood there alone, Big Newt
Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt
Now the left’s exposed by their bylines and handles
Naked to the light of Newt’s mighty green candle
This is the way it always seemed to work
Big Newt smacking down the insider jerks, Big Newt
But when hot prose and gas belched out of the man
Everybody knew Newt had made his last stand
Crazed words like Howard Dean’s drunk-cowboy scream–
We all knew it was the end of the dream for Big Newt
Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt