Big Bad Newt

Big Newt

by nkronos on May 19, 2011

(Sung to the tune of Jimmy Dean’s “Big John”)

Ev’ry day on the set you could see him arrive
He stood six foot tall and weighed 285
Kinda broad in his jowls and as wide at the brow
Everybody knew he favored the chow, Big Newt

Literati said he charged too much to his card
But life with third-wife Calista was steely and hard
So one pudgy wave from his be-diamonded hand
Dimmed all the glitter of an enraged gay man, Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

A firefight started when they sensed he was weak
Timidly at first, mostly shooting some sheep
The cocktail party invite list unloaded their clip
But Newt responded, blabbing straight from the hip, Big Newt

Out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets
Walked a Lego of a man, a Weeble with feet,
Squeezed tight in his clothing, he gave out a groan
Ragin’ ‘gin social engineering, he stood there alone, Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

Now the left’s exposed by their bylines and handles
Naked to the light of Newt’s mighty green candle
This is the way it always seemed to work
Big Newt smacking down the insider jerks, Big Newt

But when hot prose and gas belched out of the man
Everybody knew Newt had made his last stand
Crazed words like Howard Dean’s drunk-cowboy scream–
We all knew it was the end of the dream for Big Newt

Big Newt, Big Newt
Big Bad Newt
Big Newt

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